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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in evilkitchenware's LiveJournal:

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Thursday, June 1st, 2006
2:55 pm
we'll keep the big door open, eveyone'll come around
moving sucks. it sucks a lot. i'm so tired of moving. i didn't realize how much shit i had in my apartment until i started packing it. and this isn't the furniture, this is just the stuff i have to box up. who knew that i had five or more boxes full of clothes? how can i ever complain that i don't have anything to wear?
i had to take an extra day though, because i have to clean the shit hole after my stuff is gone, and there simply weren't enough hours in the day.
in talking with alan, i've been pleasantly surprised. he's been cordial, professional, but friendly and somewhat apologetic for how horrible things were when they ended. it may just be a lot easier since we're both looking at it two years later, whatever the reason...i won't look a gift horse in the mouth. this is what i had hoped for.
i had a great storytime presentation. there were six preschool girls. they all had fun, and were very responsive to my activity. (i gave them a background, stickers, cut out magazine pictures of animals, tape and crayons, and told them to decorate it with what they would want to find on a picnic with their family.) one girl announced that she had soooo much fun, and loved it, and everyone else seemed to like it too. so i hope that it was good enough to get the job, but i suppose i'll just have to see. the librarian told me i did a great job, but then, i'm sure she would say that regardless of the truth. she kinda seems like that kind of woman.
but i felt good about it, and don't think i could have done a better job with more time or resources, so hopefully it will turn out well, but if not, i'll be comforted by the fact that whomever did get the job was definitely better able to give them what they wanted. i wish i could say that about more things in my life.

Current Mood: lethargic
Wednesday, May 31st, 2006
2:39 am
everyone is happy, everyone is free
well, life is almost at a point of calm. which is rather nice. i know what my goals are and i'm taking rational steps to achieve them. its been a while since i felt like things were moving in a logical progression, and the normalcy of it is comforting.
i really want this job. i think that i'll do well, and the activities that i have planned for my storytime lesson should be awesome. but i'm always afraid that things won't got as planned. like, if something seems like its going to go well, and i have high hopes for its success, then it won't go well. that is hardly ever the case, but i'm always worried that it will be. but it is a good lesson, and so i hope that things go smoothly and the kids have fun. that's what really matters.
as for other matters, i'm talking to alan again. wait, no, i have a reason. if i get this job, chances are that i'll run into him. we will be within the same couple of blocks, waynesburg is not a very big town.
i decided that if i do run into him the last thing i want is an awkward situation. i'm not mad anymore, and i do feel somewhat sheepish about the way things turned out between the two of us. after all, i'm above the pettiness and extreme anger that he provoked in me. i should have been more grown up about it. (he should have too, but that's neither here nor there.) more or less, its time to let the things that went sour between us go. and maybe we will end up being friends, which would be nice since i don't have a lot in this area.

Current Mood: exhausted
Monday, May 29th, 2006
2:25 pm
too many choices
so its been a long weekend, with a lot of weird twists and turns.
on friday night i was having a bad night, the job that i interviewed for was supposed to call back on friday, and there was no call. i fought the urge to call them and ask about it. i was afraid that if they told me what i was sure they would :"somebody else was more qualified" or "we just decided that someone else was better suited for the job" i would burst into tears, thus embarrassing myself. it was not at all out of the question, since i was crying at the time.
i went over to see morrghan, so that i could drown my sorrows in the sweet sweet nectar of cabernet sauvignon. which, in the end was a good choice, although a magnum bottle of wine can leave the head and stomach a little out of sorts the next day. i went to breakfast the next morning with morrghan, which was a good thing, since i needed my energy to drive home and take an hour long nap. it would have lasted longer, but my mom needed me to be at the farm "by four at the latest!" to move my furniture. i'm not sure why i had to be there at that exact point, since i ended up staying for HOURS, as did all the people who were going to help me. (my mom drives me NUTS).
anyway, it was a nice afternoon, filled with country air, my mom insulting me and my friends, my brother passing out on every surface that would hold his weight, and my dad actually NOT calling me fat, which is always a welcome change from the norm.
i'm glad morrghan was there, because after the falling apart that happened the night before, i couldn't handle the usual familial actions with the same grace.
however, as far as parental shit went - it was not all that bad. there were no fights, no tears, and my mom only pulled out the martyr complex once, and then dropped it just as quickly as she grabbed it out of her holster.
i had to go back to washington, because as usual, my dad doesn't want all the things at the farm, which i really wish he would have told me at the time i was packing it. but i took my end table into washington. it was all good though, because i wanted dayne to introduce morrghan to Dan K. and that had to be done in washington.
and the high point of the night was when my mom called dayne (not knowing the i was there) and told him that the library was a day late in letting me know that they DO in fact want me to come in for another interview. i made the cut.
sunday was a day of relaxing, napping, and digging into trunks that i didn't know were as deep as they are. i'm still trying to wrap my mind around it. good times

Current Mood: silly
Friday, May 26th, 2006
3:46 am
a typical situation in these typical days
things have been sucking for a couple of months now. and it seems like no matter what i do, or where i turn, there is no place for me to clutch onto to start pulling myself up.
have you ever lost something? i mean something important, something really important. and maybe you didn't misplace it, or treat it badly, but you woke up one day and it was just gone, or in the process of going. that's where i am.
however, i didn't just lose one important thing, i've lost several. i lost a man i loved, i lost a job that was supporting me (not a hell of a lot, but at least a little), i lost my home, and i've lost my confidence in a part of my life that i never thought i'd have to question.
but i look out over the expanse of days that are coming up, and i groan. there's so much shit to do, to pack, and get out of here. and the days following are full of my parents and the crushing humiliation of depending on mom and dad for everything again.
by itself, that would be ok. i mean, it sucks, but i can deal with it. what scares the hell out of me is the realization of how alone a really am, and how alone i am going to be in the following months. i'm even losing mr. pants, who has to love me, because i feed him.
i feel like i've either lost, or am losing everything. and the thing is, i just let it all roll over me, because i no longer have the strength to fight it.
the truth is, i feel like maybe i deserve this, maybe something had to be done to get my attention. so back at ground zero, maybe this is where i needed to be to rebuild.
but maybe things will never get better, and i was just under the radar all this time. so i have to get it all at once, to make up for all the time i was getting off scott free.
whatever the case, i almost welcome the moving away at this point. cut my losses, and move the fuck on. at least this way, i can't lose anymore, god, please, i don't have anything more to take.

Current Mood: drained
Wednesday, May 24th, 2006
12:36 am
job?
well i have an interview for a job i would really love...children's librarian. (well assistant, but you get the idea.) i'm so excited, but at the same time, it pretty much seals the deal. the deal being living with my parents, depending on my parents, and being separated from all my friends.
now this was scheduled to happen anyway. but the job is in waynesburg, which is close to the WV border. (further away than anticipated) and its only part time, which means i depend on my parents even more financially.
but its better than not having a job. and i really want this job.

on other fronts, not much new. still no romantic interests. (which is fine...good, even.)
i'm worried about moving away from all my friends though. where will that put my already gloomy state of mind?

Current Mood: worried
Saturday, May 20th, 2006
11:23 am
and so it goes
for the last couple of years, i have been available to see my grandparents as often as could be expected (with a short hiatus when i was working every single day, and just could not make it.) besides my mother i'm the only one in my family that makes a concerted effort to see them regularly. i try not to make things more upsetting for my grandmother, and i try to weather her anxiety attacks, and over reaction to every little thing in addition to her other forms of crazy.
last week was mother's day, and so i was there with the rest of the family. (she is the only grandmother i have left). she had duties for me to do once there in elizabeth township, which she told me all about while i was sitting in my aunt's kitchen. well my brother and my aunt and i got tired before the time when we were allowed to go to my grandmother's. we fell asleep at my aunt's, sleeping for much longer than we expected. my grandmother had finished everything she had wanted me to do but the salads, and called at my aunt's house at that point, to let me know how disappointed she was in me. (i don't know why she didn't call at my aunt's BEFORE doing all the work herself. but then, its tough to be a martyr and act rational at the same time.)
the outcome of all the buildup was my grandmother exploding the moment i came into her door, and nagging, scolding, and generally irritating the hell out of me all through dinner, and until we left. so if my disposition was a little at odds, its not entirely my fault, there's only so much i can take before i get a little sour. i was also exhausted.
the lasting effects? my grandmother only wants me to visit if i have a better mood. and i don't have any option other than being pleasant, without mentioning that maybe my mood would vastly improve if most of the women in my family were psycho bitches, and would reign in the craziness if for no one else's sake, my grandfather's - who is very ill, yet still alive and very aware. the whole idea is to keep it cool so that he is happy and calm until he passes, which we all know will be very soon.
that is also the reason i can't be assertive about the prevailing estrogen level in that house. i have to be "respectful" and "pleasant". i think both of those are reasonable, just not if i'm the only one making and effort.
(i realize that i may sound like a petulant child, but anyone who knows my mom's side of the family will understand that i'm not over reacting, this is how they always are, and they are, in fact, all fucking nuts.)
and for god's sake grandma, it doesn't matter how many years you've lived on the planet, old does not mean wise! and no amount of old requires that amount of volume to yell incoherently at me after your third martini!!!!!!

Current Mood: irate
Friday, May 19th, 2006
11:27 pm
adrift
there is no way to say : "i'm drowning in a sea of discontent" without sounding ridiculous. its also not the way anyone should describe their lives, especially not after you've drifted past that age where high school in suburbia is hell, and your parents just don't understand. (although don't get me wrong, it isn't okay then either, but at least it doesn't make me want to stab my eyes out quite as much.)
however, i don't remember the last time i felt this apathetic. there's a certain relief in that. and i find myself embracing the fact that i'm not in charge of anything, because i don't want to be the one in charge when things fall apart...again.
the biggest problem i have right now is not knowing what to do with myself. yes, find a job. yes, feed myself. yes to all of those things that are obvious. but its been so long since i've been out of a relationship without any looming prospects that i don't remember what it feels like.
having my life constantly tethered to someone else just seems natural. i want to have someone depending on me, because then i can depend on me, and i have someone to answer to. being responsible for someone else makes me more responsible for myself. i've been doing that for so long now that having to do it for myself - when i don't have to do it for anyone else - sometimes seems like a stretch. but i'm doing it, you know, pushing through the day. and at some point, it will be something i become accustomed to. and that's the way its supposed to be.
i had a friend read my tarot cards earlier this week. she told me that i would have no serious "romantic relationship" with anyone in the near future. that's a mixed blessing, in that its a relief to know that the next few years will be free of relationship complications. but there's the natural yearning for companionship in everybody. so i'd be lying if i said that knowing that's not something in my immediate future isn't a let down.
as compensation, it seems that i will have somebody to have regular vigorous sex with. that's nice. although it has no hopes of going beyond that. damn the bad news, good regular sex and no relationship complications. the downside being that i know it will never be anything but a fun waste of time.
but i do feel adrift (not drowning) in a sea of time (not discontent). i have things that i need to do, that i haven't done before because time seemed to be this endless expanse of possibilities. but i am getting older, and these things that i had all the time in the world to do should have been done by now. and it is some comfort that my muse seems to be poised for action, despite some false starts.
so what now? that's the question of the hour. i have no idea where i'm going, and that's petrifying. i want to clutch to something or someone, and its another mixed blessing that there's no one there to cling to.

Current Mood: apathetic
Saturday, May 13th, 2006
5:54 am
things and stuff
its been almost a year since i wrote in my lj, and there have been few complaints - however, enough gentle prodding from jason has worn me down to the point where i guess i'll give in, even to subtle pressure.
being single is weird when you aren't used to it. i forget to do things like cook and eat sometimes, because those activities were so wrapped up in another person.
and the loneliness gets to me a lot. its the little things like realizing that i have to move out, and do so alone, and waking up alone after two hours of sleep.
of course other things add to the weirdness - not having job makes unorthodox sleeping patterns acceptable. part of me just wants to wither, and let it all go. while a larger part of me mourns all the losses in the last month or so - yet desperately wants to find the tools to move on and get over my melodrama.
something wonderfully tragic happened tonight. a drunk friend of mine told me all the things i wanted to hear. all the things that my twisted, yet very real crush on him desired. but he was drunk, and regardless of the honesty or sincerity of the things he said...they are useless, because the reality of these feelings converting into anything other than those and those alone is ridiculous.
but i am a girl, and so i let the possibilities push in, and i hate myself for letting them, even after i've logically thought everything through and decided that i'm satisfied with the way things panned out with him.
part of it is the loneliness, and i wish it were all that, because if that were all it there was to my wishing the situation were different, it would not bother me when the loneliness isn't so keen. but it is natural to wish these things on one hand, and accept the reality on the other. i'm just still unsure as to the balance that these two hands eventually learn to reach.
i also found out today that old friends sometimes do change in the same ways we have. and that can be shocking. we may think that our lives have grown apart, but in so doing created more similar touch points where we could intersect - if years apart and separate lives weren't in the way.
in a way i feel like i have given up, like part of my life stopped when tommy left, and that part can't seem to scar over enough to let me care as little as i need to. i'm not sad, i'm not angry, i'm not ever regretful anymore at the way things worked out, because i was, on some level, ready for things to change, even if i did need to be kicked around a bit by god before i was willing to just chuck everything and start over. but i think i am healing markedly better than the last time tommy left, and any improvement is welcome.
the sheen of a new beginning glitters at the end of this tunnel, and the end is in sight. but then, that's only the new beginning, and who knows where i'll be by the time i reach even the end of the tunnel. but there are things that i encountered while in this dark place that have given me broader horizons, and higher standards for what i should let make me happy.
not that i'll spend less time being happy, just less time being complacent, and simply satisfied to fool myself that "this is as good as it gets, at least as good as i deserve". i'll be more driven to reach goals that i may never meet, and less satisfied with things that i achieved without any effort at all.
the good is the enemy of the best.
then the challenge comes in the patience it takes to find the best, and the tenacity to not let the best go just because the struggle may not be worth it in the end.
there are very few certainties, and maybe that's actually the blessing, because that means everything is a possibility.

Current Mood: hopeful
Wednesday, July 6th, 2005
9:03 pm
ahhhh
its amazing how a writing class can rejuvenate my life. it just makes me wonder why the hell i'm bothering with trying to get a real job, rather than pursuing what i really want to do. all one has to do is compare my grades, the ones in my writing classes are much higher, because i'm doing what i love. the thing is, i'm so afraid of sharing my writing, because i can't hold any of myself back in it...and i'm so afraid of it not being good enough, not being accepted, failing in that uniquely personal way.
but its what i love, its what i do to stay sane...its what i do because i have to...its like sex, and violence, and compassion, and depression and euphoria all wrapped up in something i have by myself inside of me. any of you that write, really write, love to write know what i'm talking about...its my obsession, my addiction.
god i feel so high on it right now.
11:43 am
HATE SCHOOL SO MUCH!!!!
you know what's annoying. professors. i can't stand them, well one of them. "so i told you last week that everything you turned in had to be typed. well, the things that i collected last week, some of them weren't typed. so, if they weren't i just gave you a zero...i didn't even read them."
what kind of fucking sense does that make? had she told us last week, and then this week took off points if we turned in things that were hand written, then i would understand. but its not as if, after we turned them in, she said "oh, i'm not accepting hand written work, turn it in typed by the end of the day." oh no, its much more fun to play the mind reading game. GRRRRRRR!!!! so fucking annoyed!
maybe i should just quit - and devote my life to the loving and mind numbing life of secretarial work...i could do that. i like answering phones, and writing messages, and entering data. not nearly so challenging as trying to read minds, and deal with boring 3 hour classes 4 times a week.
and maybe i would be less aggravated if i wasn't spending every off moment moving the hell out of my apartment. granted, the waiting 'til the last moment is totally my fault, and something i'm known to do. however, how in the world did jason and tommy and i go for so many months without cleaning the fucking bathroom? (ugh....SOOOOOOO gross.) and i realized we don't have a mop or bucket, so i was on my hands and knees pouring clorox cleanup around like it was my fucking job, and attacking the grimy floor with a sponge. still, there's only so much that can be done without a mop or bucket. its as clean as its been since we moved in though, i can attest to that. and let me rant for just a moment about hair-clogged drains. they are the grossest thing ever. this is not the first time i realized that the bath tub wasn't draining properly because huge clumps of hair are blocking the drain...this is also not the first time i spent many disgusting moments pulling clumps of disgusting hair our of the drain. why? because who really likes to take showers up to your ankles in tepid water? its the first time that mention it though, because its the first time i did it with my bare hands submerged in comet cleaner, and realized that my hands will smell like this for at least a couple of days..and the burning...THE BURNING!!!!
now no disrespect to jason, who worked his ass off moving all my heavy boxes, packed all his volumes of shit, and vacuumed...and will probably finish vacuuming, and steam cleaning the carpets tonight, while i shamelessly nonfiction for hours and hours. however, there is still the kitchen. thank god jason did the dishes, since that, to me, is a fate worse than death... even with a dish washing machine. but i get more time with a sponge and clorox cleanup, and there is still a ton of random junk on the floor and stove in there. (a box with all the non-perishables, and coffee maker, coffee grinder, coffee beans, and coffee filters in it, not to mention my microwave.)and my car is already full. jason and i both didn't quite feel up to unloading all my stuff last night. plus, i had to spend the night at his house, because i had much typing to do (for the fucking professor who can kiss my ass...and i would say as much to, if i didn't have to do well in her class.)
so what else can i complain about? ;) i know...wine. mostly the fact that i don't have any. i like wine...am a huge fan of it. the last time i drank wine was boxed wine...boxed white wine. *sigh*...so embarrassing. but my wine intake has been curbed drastically recently, since my mom has taken on getting drunk, and then not realizing that she should have really stepped away from the wine at least a drink ago. (leaving much less wine for me, who requires much more wine that my mother to achieve the same effect.) my mom knows her limit is two glasses. i guess she has decided when celebrating, that steadfast, at least30 year old rule, somehow doesn't apply. and i, (who has, in less mature years finished a bottle of wine by myself...and even then appeared less drunk than my mother after two/three glasses) am the one who gets put in charge of dealing with her. so i get barely any wine to dull my senses and take the edge of takeing care of my trashed mother...who drives me nuts when sober. i get her water, try to give her sugar to re-balance her sugar levels, all the things i've learned are important over that years. and then, she wants to talk about her father eventually dying...great. i mean he's over 80, and she's super christian. and i, who is NOT christian am the one who has to remind her that as far as she believes, he's going someplace better. while my father and brother watch "into the west" i am watching my mom blubbering about soemthing that we've all known was coming for years. and its especially disconcerting because he's in fairly good health right now. however, i think she just gets weepy. if she thinks something is particularly beautiful, or heartwarming, or funny, or sad, or anything at all, she starts the face leaking, and just can't stop. why, oh why, am i my mother's babysitter? i can hold my wine. (although not always my liquor...i love you jameel.)

Current Mood: annoyed
Friday, July 1st, 2005
1:15 pm
*sigh*
god, when you have no phone, and can't sleep, and are putting off packing, you'll do anything won't you?
so this is the newest from my friend, (Rane) and i'm passing is on to all of you.

Please leave a one-word comment that you think best describes me. It can only be one word. No more. Then copy & paste this in your journal so that I may leave a word about you.

and i know all of you are creative, so if you give me boring answers, i'm going to be totally pissed off.
12:50 pm
dichotomy
things that suck:
-the phone was turned off today.
-moving
-the amount of books i have
-not having chocolate milk
-having to pack all my shit to move
-not having a job
-subsequently having no money
-not having my cat anymore, because she loves jason better
-bad sex
-puritanical christian ideals
-religion
-the mountain of dirty clothes i have to pack
-drama (not the theater kind)
-manipulation

things that rock:
-ani difranco
-chocolate milk...when i have it
-sex, when its good sex
-freedom of thought
-spirituality
-the amount of books i have
-having things to look forward to
-the small anthill of clean clothes i have to pack
-tater tots
-games, (like pimp:the backhanding, or pictionary, or scattergories)
-drama (the theater kind)
-writing
-friends (those with benefits, those without, and those currently without that may someday become those with.)
-playing the piano

Current Mood: indifferent
7:13 am
confused.
so, why is it that most people seem to think that if you're looking for sex you're looking for either the rock or the hard place that i'm trying to avoid? its as if, in getting to know somebody, its something that needs to be cleared up before things can reach a certain point. i'm so confused about people who think that sex has to either equal a title, or a one night stand, and all the middle ground is the wasteland.
i know i seem to have this preoccupation - but i'm 25, and in all this time, i've met only maybe a handful of people that are looking for the same thing that i am. half the men i've slept with have this obsession with the idea of ownership, and unless they have me under their thumb, they aren't satisfied. the other half would be satisfied without last names, and totally without any idea what my thoughts on life are, let alone my interests.
so my question is, why? why is that? what is so offensive about friendship? and what is it about attraction that basically makes friendship null and void? why are we taught from and early age that the two are mutually exclusive?
i suppose it had something to do with the heavy arm of christianity, and the societal norm insisting that sex is to be done only in a darkened bedroom and only in missionary position. and the only other option is to be a heathen who has sex with everything that moves; creating no bonds, because that would interfere with the ridiculous amounts of sex they need to have to sate their sinful desires.
the whole thing is ridiculous. i'm happier than i've ever been about the lack of an exclusive relationship in my life. i, for one, don't even want to think about being exclusively tied to anyone. i realize now, that half the relationships in my life i didn't want to be exclusive in.
and for the first time, i'm questioning why so many people that feel the same way, let themselves be bullied into that christian abyss anyway.

Current Mood: confused
Thursday, June 30th, 2005
12:57 pm
sending out an SOS
well, i just found out i'm spending the night alone. right now is a very hard time for me to be alone, because i've never lived completely alone. i have a lot of that to look forward to, and i'm in no rush to accelerate it. i'm especially lonely, since tommy already left. (i know he left a month ago, but i still had jason. my lease at the other apartment actually started a month ago...but sincei was paid up here, i had an excuse to stay.) without jason here, i will be totally lonely tonight.
so i'm calling for anyone who wants to hang out, and spend the night. i'm not particularly looking for sex (though i wouldn't turn it down), i'm mostly looking for someone to just cuddle and sleep with, so that i'm not alone. (yes this is open to both sexes, anyone who is interested would be appreciated.)
jason isn't leaving me alone and scared (okay not scared, but definetly alone) until 9-10pm. so that would be the time to come, unless you want to come sooner. that's always cool too.)
Wednesday, June 29th, 2005
12:45 pm
my mom
"maggie, i know you like roleplaying, but don't you have any REAL interests?"
MY MOM = ZERO TACT

"maggie, i think you should save the rest of yourself for marriage."
MY MOM = ZERO CONNECTION WITH REALITY

"jason, so what is it like to have sex with a man?"
MY MOM = ZERO CONCEPT OF WHAT YOU DON'T SAY TO PEOPLE YOU BARELY KNOW

"maggie, i know how many times your father and i have to have sex a week to keep our relationship healthy"
(EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW) MY MOM = ZERO IDEA OF TOO MUCH INFORMATION

"maggie did you take your vitamin?"
MY MOM = ZERO ABILITY TO STOP MOTHERING...OR LET GO

"i've learned so much from your brother and you throughout the years."
MY MOM = ZERO END TO HER LEARNING and ZERO EMBARRASSMENT ABOUT SHARING

"being a christian is important to me, but i just care that true faith is important to you."
MY MOM = ZERO PRESSURE TO BE WHAT SHE IS

"i'm astounded by something new everyday."
MY MOM = ZERO END TO HER CHILDLIKE WANDER

is it any wonder that my mom is, to me, what women should be like? a perfect balance of totally out of touch, and totally insightful, of overbearing, and supportive of freedom of thought, of horrifying and beautiful.
i may not agree with her about a lot of things, she may drive me absolutely insane, but she's taught me everything about love and support in this world...and i can never be thankful enough.
8:28 am
best thing ever
"pimp the backhanding", the name of a game. do i really need to say anything else?

Current Mood: amused
1:42 am
employment would make me happy.
i'm looking for a job, and somehow, it seems like part time jobs are in short supply, i don't fully understand WHY i can't find a job. i'm totally qualified for a plethora of them. however, i suppose i'm overqualified for some, and underqualified for others.
does anybody know of places that are looking for somebody part time? i'm dependable, and ummmmm cute? is anyone hiring someone to look cute? because i do that well...
my other qualifications? oh...well, i have been a great secretary in the past...and i do a killer job at cash registers. but i HAVE graduated from college. does that count for anything anymore?

Current Mood: aggravated
Tuesday, June 28th, 2005
8:14 am
a rock and a hard place
so i'm glad that the breakup is official, because i'm really tired of the melodrama.
but now i'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. i realized that this weekend. someone asked me what i was looking for. and when i told him that i didn't want a relationship, but i didn't want to have anonymous sex either, he laughed and said "oh, so you want to be difficult?" i realized that's exactly what i'm being. i'm not interested in anything remotely serious. i would really just like to not have to worry about any of that. it makes looking for sex a little weird though. i have to make sure that i'm not going to hang out with someone and give them the wrong impression, because if they think that the two go hand in hand, then i'm going to be stuck explaining; "no, no, no, that was not my intent at all." but at the same time, i want someone that can spend the night afterward...someone i know at least that well.
in other words, the call for anonymous sex is over. this doesn't mean that i don't want sex anymore, that would just be silly. but i'm tired of people that i don't know, or can't stand making passes at me. not that it happens a lot, but i realized that i seem to be welcoming that a lot more, because i kepp hoping its presumptious to just tll someone to get lost. i should start doing that.
i want to meet new people. if i'm going to have sex with someone, i think it should be someone i like to hang out with. i want someone i can talk to, and someone who i can do stuff with. after all, isn't sex supposed to be better with someone you get a long with...not someone who leaves immediately afterwards, and then you pray he never calls again...and lose his number conveniently?
so i guess this is a new call. if you're interested in hanging out with someone, (namely mr) and then MAYBE having sex, i'm taking applications. (its actually better if i DO know you!) ;)

Current Mood: flirty
Saturday, June 25th, 2005
3:27 pm
Donnie Darko Test (from primaleph)
karen
You are Karen. You are just trying to help kids
find themeselves. "A linguist once said
that out of all the combinations of words in
the English language, "Cellar Door"
was the most beautiful."


Which Donnie Darko Character Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Monday, June 6th, 2005
1:44 pm
a whole new start
so i guess i'm single again. i don't know. in a way its liberating, in a way its depressing. i still love tommy. i mean, after a while you get used to having someone around. but beyond that, i really enjoyed being with him most of the time. i still want to help him get back, if that's what he chooses to do...but that's part of being a good friend.
its been helpful having met somebody that i really connect with. i think okcupid is hazardous to my health, because i keep meeting guys that are far away that i really like. this one is named greg and lives in maryland. he's not thinking about moving here just yet though...prudence may be a good thing. i haven't decided yet.
being single seems to have a direct affect on my libido. i'm not sure what it is about being unhitched that makes me want to go out and have anonymous sex, but if there are any takers... :P
when i told my dad that tommy might not be coming back at all, he said it was as good a time as any to make a whole new start. maybe he's right.
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